All Stressed Out and No One to Choke!

Unhappy childhood can stunt growth

2009-11-20T13:58:00.000-08:00

By Amanda Kelly

Parents who constantly argue could be stunting their children's growth, say scientists who have uncovered a link between a reduced growth rate and a stressful upbringing.
Parents who constantly argue could be stunting their children's growth, say scientists who have uncovered a link between a reduced growth rate and a stressful upbringing.
The study showed traumatic childhood experiences have a serious effect on later health, causing disease and, in some cases, permanent stunting.
Epidemiologist Dr Scott Montgomery and his team at the Royal Free Hospital in London followed up a survey of 1,352 families across the UK which had taken place between 1937 and 1939. It had looked at children's health and lifestyles when they were aged between five and eight. Sixty years later, 149 members of the same group were tracked down and similar tests carried out.
Dr Montgomery said: "We discovered a significant relationship between parents who had argued and a slower growth rate in their children.
"Youngsters who live in very stressful situations have been found to have less growth hormone. If they are taken out of that unhappy situation, the hormone levels recover.
Such young people do not necessarily turn into short adults - they just grow more slowly. The danger is that if the stress goes on for long, it can stunt growth permanently."
His work shows that youngsters who grow more slowly are more likely to suffer high blood pressure as adults, putting them at greater risk of heart disease and strokes. "I believe this research emphasises the critical importance of looking after a child's emotional welfare," said Dr Montgomery. He believes the reason for the link between stress and growth can be put down to evolution.
"At a time of stress, it makes sense in an evolutionary way to switch off everything that isn't essential," he said. "You don't want to put your energy into growing when you might need it to run away or defend yourself. Once you are out of danger, you can afford to use your energy on growing again."
* Children with fathers in their lives, however, learn more thoroughly, have higher self-esteem and show fewer signs of depression than those reared only by their mothers, according to another study on child development, adds Cherry Norton.
The findings presented at a conference in Boston, Massachusetts, 2007 showed that children with a father or father figure scored higher on basic learning-skill tests and were more socially adept and likely to get on better with their peers.
Children who viewed their father figure as supportive had a greater feeling of competence and greater social acceptance.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

2009-11-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

Recent statistics indicate that the incidence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is on the increase. Therefore more and more of us will come across narcissistic individuals in the course of our daily lives, whether at work or in the family home.

We recently looked at the case of Elinor, who has a mother who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As narcissists rarely seek treatment as they are not aware that they suffer from the disorder, it is up to friends and family members, the primary sufferers at the hands of the clinical narcissist, to take steps to protect themselves. Related articles, includes diagnostic criteria are included as links at the conclusion of this article.

Elinor has suffered for most of her life at the hands of her narcissistic mother. Of course, when Elinor was a child she had no idea that her mother had the disorder. As with any child, we accept our parents as being how all parents are, until we arrive at a point where we are able to reason that this is not the case. As we mature we are able to better gauge as to whether our parents did an "okay" job, which is the acceptable professional standard for parenting, or whether their style of parenting left a lot to be desired. It is often after we have children of our own that we can truly decide how effective both our parents and our own parenting style is.

But back to Elinor. Because narcissists can never be pleased, except for very short periods of time, the partner, friend or child of a narcissist is in a continual battle to please and amuse, flatter and placate, the narcissistic person in their lives. Selfish and self-absorbed, the narcissistic parent gives little emotional return and so the child of such a parent continually seeks approval, attention and most of all, love. It is a pointless task, as the narcissist does not really understand the concept of others, much less love for them.

But Elinor had tried her best. Over the years she has showered her mother with gifts, tried to interpret her every whim and do all in her power to get that all important love and attention. Elinor is now 39. Despite having a husband and two children of her own, she still puts her mother first. This is because neither her husband nor her children can fill the hole in her heart that should have been filled long ago by her mother.

Elinor's mother has a habit of rejecting many of her daughter's gifts, simply because she doesn't like them. When Elinor gets it right, her mother's face lights up with joy and Elinor feels happy. At last! She has done something right! But just as often as not, Elinor's mother does not care for the gift and tells her daughter so, even though many times the gift has been hand made by her daughter as she is an excellent craftsperson.

Elinor sought counseling due to her increasing anger and spells of depression. What we discovered was that part of Elinor was still seeking approval from her mother. But worse than that, she was seeking approval from a mother who was clinically unable to give approval. Elinor was playing a losing game: no wonder she felt an increasing sense of rage and sadness. Furthermore, her marriage was under strain as each time one of these event occurred, she lost valuable time crying and withdrawing from her family. With teenagers in the house, she was in danger of losing precious time with those people who were actually capable of loving her.

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

2009-11-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

by Beth McHugh

In Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother, we looked at how 39-year-old Elinor was still caught up in a desperate game of trying to win the love and approval of her mother, who suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

When Elinor came in for therapy she was sad, slightly depressed and full of rage for a mother who just could not give her the love and approval that Elinor wanted. Although Elinor had a loving husband, and two wonderful children, she was not happy. This is not unusual when basic childhood needs such as love and approval have not been delivered to the child during the critical formative years of their life. No matter how much love her husband showered upon her, as well as her children's love, Elinor still felt an emptiness inside.

Of course, this feeling is not exclusive to adult children of narcissists. It is also common to many adults whose parents may have been alcoholics, absent due to heavy work loads, the presence of a mental illness, or many other situations. But the bottom line for Elinor is that, when it came to her mother, she described herself as "invisible".

She felt invisible, not through any fault of her own, but because her mother was incapable of seeing her as a real person, with real needs of her own. The narcissist views others as mere extensions of themselves, and their value lies in how much they can do for the narcissist. When Elinor was sick, her mother never really cared. She counteracted Elinor's comments with an unending string of her own ailments, all of which were of far greater importance and severity than Elinor's. But that of course, is how the narcissist thinks.

With little to give out to others, narcissists often find their circle of acquaintances grows smaller over the years and this was the position Elinor's mother found herself in. As her mother aged and Elinor's father died, Elinor's mother became increasingly unrealistic about the demands she put on her daughter. Still desperately trying to do the "right" thing that would finally unlock the key to her mother's love, Elinor came to breaking point and hence to me.

The big breakthrough in therapy came when Elinor, after knowing in her head for years that her mother was not going to change, was finally able, through therapy, to accept it in her heart. She said to me: "I finally realize my mother is not going to be that Gingerbread Mom that I'd always wanted her to be." I thought the concept of the Gingerbread Mom, all pretty and loving and homey and comforting, was a wonderful analogy of everything that Elinor's mother wasn't, and yet Elinor had spent her entire life wanting that. Of course this is understandable. Everyone wants a great mom.

But Elinor finally decided that it was easier to accept that this was how it was and give up the hope, that commodity that keeps us hooked in, that her mother would change. She finally stopped banging her head against that brick wall called Mom. Although this transformation took a long time for Elinor, it was worth it in the end. Her mother's behaviors still make her angry, but they no longer rip her heart out.

Do narcissists really hate themselves deep down inside?

2009-11-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

Evidence that narcissists really do think they're "all that."

You probably have a pretty good idea of what a narcissist is. They're arrogant, self-absorbed, and generally speaking they're not too pleasant to be around--at least not for long periods of time. If you're like most people, you probably also assume one additional thing.You probably think that narcissists dislike themselves deep down inside.

In other words, narcissism is really just a mask that covers up deeply hidden insecurities and self-loathing. If you think that this is true, then you're in good company. This has long been a standard conceptualization of narcissism within the psychological literature. A recent study by Keith Campbell, Jennifer Bosson, Thomas Goheen, Chad Lakey, and Michael Kernis (let's just call them Campbell et al. to keep things simple), however, challenges this assumption.

Before we get to Campbell et al., let's first begin with a simple, but really important question. How can you determine what people think about themselves deep down inside? We call this type of thinking implicit cognition. More specifically, we're interested in implicit attitudes, since the cognition centers on the attitudes that people have about themselves. Positive and negative attitudes about the self make up our self-esteem, so what we're ultimately interested in is called implicit self-esteem.

Let's say that your brother, Donald, is a real narcissist and you want to know whether he really likes himself as much as it seems like he does. In other words, you want to know whether Donald has high self-esteem. You could simply ask him--his answer would tell you about his explicit self-esteem--but can you really trust what Donald tells you? Well, that's for you to decide, but most psychologists would be at least a bit skeptical. What we really need is a way to measure Donald's implicit self-esteem. Unfortunately, psychologists do not have any magical techniques to tap into implicit self-esteem. One particularly promising method, however, is called the Implicit Associations Test (IAT for short).

The inner workings of the IAT are far too complicated to get into here. There is a great website called Project Implicit (implicit.harvard.edu) that explains the IAT in greater depth and even lets you take the IAT yourself. Essentially, the IAT works by recording how fast you can categorize things. For example, let's say I show you the word "vomit" and ask you whether it is good or bad. Unless you're an emetophile(Google this at your own risk!), you would probably categorize vomit as being something that is bad-and you would likely do this really quickly and without much thought. Now what if I asked you to categorize vomit as being "like me" or "not like me" (this is meant to refer to you-is the vomit like you or not like you?) Although this is an odd question, you'd probably say very quickly that vomit is "not like me." OK, let's use a different, more pleasant word, like "smart." You could probably again answer both of these questions very quickly, but your answers would most likely be "good" and "like me."

Up to this point, we're assuming that you, like most people, think pretty positively about yourself. But what if you don't like yourself that much? Well, then we would expect you to take longer making these categorizations, or even categorize them differently (e.g., saying that "smart" is "not like me"). So the IAT essentially measures how quickly you categorize good words with "like me" and bad words with "not like me." People who categorize themselves with good words very quickly are said to have high implicit self-esteem. People who take longer or who actually categorize themselves with bad words are said to have low implicit self-esteem. (Note of caution: The IAT is actually much more complicated than this and researchers don't fully understand how it works. Please visit the Project Implicit website for further information.)

One of the great things about the IAT, from a researchers perspective, is that test takers don't know what's being measured (trust us on this, rarely do test takers realize that the IAT is actually a measure of self-esteem). This is unlike explicit self-esteem, which is assessed by asking people how they feel about themselves. So theoretically, the IAT provides a purer measure of self-esteem that comes from deep down inside and is not filtered though all of our impression management tactics and defense mechanisms. (Have you ever said that you feel great even though you don't? This is the problem with measuring explicit self-esteem.)

OK, back to narcissism. Prior research has shown that narcissists report very high explicit self-esteem (what they tell you about themselves), but lower implicit self-esteem (how they perform on the IAT). This research is consistent with long-standing beliefs about narcissism (e.g., psychoanalytic theories of narcissism) and seems to support the idea that narcissists don't really like themselves that much deep down inside.

Here's where a detailed analysis of psychological methods pays off. Campbell et al. noticed that a lot of the words used in the IATs of past studies were pretty communal sounding. Communal words are those that imply a connection between people. For example, the word "smile" might be considered communal because smiling facilitates social bonding. One thing that we know about narcissists is that they are not communally oriented. They're all about themselves. Indeed, past research shows that narcissists don't think very positively of themselves in terms of their relationships with others (i.e., communally). Therefore, if your IAT words are communal, then it should not be surprising that narcissists fail to quickly categorize the positive words as being "like me" and the negative words as being "not like me." In other words, communal IATs may be biased toward producing evidence of low implicit self-esteem in narcissists.

What Campbell et al. did next was create an IAT that used less communal words. For example, their IAT contained the positive word "energetic," which does not imply any sort of connection between people (i.e., the word "energetic" implies something about the individual, rather than relationships with others). What they found was that, sure enough, narcissists reported high implicit self-esteem using this less communal IAT. Again, this contradicts prior research showing just the opposite.

So what does this tell us about narcissism? First, we should take a step back and think about the methods that psychologists use to conduct their studies. Psychologists must frequently deal with the unseen and the unknown. While this makes psychology particularly interesting in our opinion, it can also make psychological research a little messy. Can we really be certain that Campbell et al.'s or anyone else's IATs really measure implicit self-esteem? Of course not. Nevertheless, Campbell et al.'s findings suggest that we should be skeptical of the notion that narcissism is always connected to inner doubt and self-hatred.

Without question, there are narcissists out there who really do hate themselves. We've all met people like this. People who say outlandishly positive things about themselves (e.g., "I'm smarter than Einstein") when it's obvious that they're covering up for a perceived deficiency (e.g., they dropped out of high school). But frankly, people can also be arrogant and conceited without any sort of deep-seated anguish. This isn't particularly pleasant to think about. Most of us-psychological researchers included-like to think that we live in a just world where bad things happen to bad people. In a just world, mean and nasty narcissists would experience inner turmoil and suffering. Unfortunately, we live in nothing close to a just world. And we suspect that many—if not most—people who say that they're awesome really think that they're awesome, even deep down inside.

What is the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath?

2009-11-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

All human behavior exists on a three-dimensional continuum with the following axes: Empowered-Unempowered, Loving-Unloving, and Wise-Unwise; with various spectra of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual ailments arching through the Unempowered-Unloving-Unwise territories.

Nevertheless, how's this: Suppose we define the differences between and among benign narcissists, malignant narcissists, and sociopaths by what gives them their rush:

A sociopath gloats over the pain he creates, because it means he is powerful. A malignant narcissist glories in the service she compels and the turf she marks, because it means she is important. A benign narcissist basks in the admiration he receives, because it means he is valuable. (That is, beloved, talented, cool, fill in blank.)

So:

If you need constant reassurance that you are valuable, you are a benign narcissist. If you need constant reassurance that you are important, you are a malignant narcissist. If you need constant reassurance that you are powerful, you are a sociopath.

If this analysis is correct, then obviously an individual could be a little of all three, needing reassurance that he is valuable, important, and powerful; because at any moment he could be feeling worthless and/or irrelevant and/or helpless. Someone might be at one point along the spectrum this week and at another point next week.

I think another defining difference is laziness. A malignant narcissist is lazy, doing all his work with his mouth, whereas a benign narcissist will often actually strive to be genuinely valuable, and a sociopath can put inexorable and meticulous effort into setting up his victim.

Here's a characteristic all three share: Not a one of them gives a damn about the potential negative effects upon others of their self-seeking behavior.

The sociopath's stance is: "I want what I want, and somebody else gets to pay for it. Don't get in my way. But then, you don't have the right to escape, and once you're in my headlights I'll chase you all over the road until I get you."

The malignant narcissist's stance is: "I want what I want, and somebody else gets to pay for it. Don't get in my way. When I run over you, I'm going to be pissed off if you scratch my paint."

The benign narcissist's stance is: "I want what I want, and I'll pay for it--but don't get in my way. If I accidentally happen to run over you, I'm just going to wonder what that bump was."

The Narcissist In Love

2009-11-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

My next several blogs will be sharing information regarding "The Narcissist" I hope others will find them interesting as well!

The Narcissist In Love

As bad as narcissistic behavior can be in a coworker, golf buddy or relative, it's worse in a romantic partner. Male or female, narcissists are the quintessential sharks: Self-confidence and charm make them highly appealing in the early stages of attraction. Since narcissists are very concerned about appearance, they're likely to be well-groomed and fashionable. "He was into nice things, the best brand names. Everything was about treating himself well," says Lynn, a 30-year-old consultant in San Diego, about her ex-boyfriend. "And he was totally charismatic. After we were going out for a while, I could see him turn it on and off when he wanted something."

Lynn found out that her boyfriend was what Campbell, author of When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself, calls a "game-playing" lover. Campbell found that narcissists' need for power and autonomy leads them to shun commitment—and to cheat. Romantic relationships become just another way for them to pump up their own self-image. Narcissists look for mates with very high social status (for example, looks or success) which complements an inflated sense of self.

Lynn's narcissistic boyfriend was a poker player, and she says now that the relationship was just like a sport to him. "He would figure out the landscape, and he was never willing to gamble more than he was willing to lose," Lynn says. "He told me I had qualities he was looking for, but also that he needed to see other women."

After nine months, they broke up, also typical for narcissists, whose relationships don't last long. In Campbell's studies, "relationships with narcissists were more satisfying initially, and then dramatically less satisfying at the end," he says. The extreme example might be Scott Peterson, who was charismatic enough to attract a beautiful wife—and coldhearted enough to murder her when he wanted to move on.

Obviously, most narcissists aren't killers, but they do tend to be very unsatisfying mates. If he's had a string of relationships, if he can't stop talking about how much people admire him, if he gets easily riled when he doesn't get what he wants—he may not be just another commitment-phobic man. He's a narcissist.

Unfortunately, anyone can be seduced by a narcissist. One misconception is that only those with low self-esteem date someone who's so self-centered, but people with normal self-respect can also end up involved with a narcissist. They have decisive, take-charge personalities in a society that shuns wishy-washiness.

And after all, they're experts at making people admire them. Best-case scenario: when narcissists date each other. That way, both can have a self-confident, impressive and shallow mate—and leave the rest of us in peace.

Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother

2009-11-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last two years researching articles about narsisstic personality disorder in oreder to find a way to deal with my own mother. The following is just one of those. I can't wait to read to the book!

How to get over your narcissistic mom.

By Carlin Flora

We tend to throw around the descriptor "narcissist" when we really mean "selfish," but the term can properly refer to someone who consistently exhibits narcissistic traits as well as to someone with a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The APA estimates that 1.5 million American women are "official" narcissists, meaning millions more can be found on the lower end of that personality spectrum.

Karyl McBride, Ph.D., has spent more than 20 years studying and treating women who grew up with narcissistic moms. I interviewed her about her new book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Here's an edited version of our conversation:

An inability to give love to, and show empathy toward, the child.

How would you describe the typical husband of such a mother?

The spouse has to revolve around her, often, in order to stay in the relationship. He may practically worship her. That means he may never help or protect the child who is being ignored. Some fathers I've talked to realize the damage being done to their child, but feel that they can't do anything about it. Others seem to not be aware.

You found two typical patterns of behavior in daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Yes. There's the high achieving daughter—I call her Mary Marvel—who appears to be perfect in all she does. One of the main messages that gets internalized when your mother is narcissistic is, "You are valued for what you do and not for who you are." So Mary Marvel is constantly trying to prove to herself that she does have worth, by mastering different endeavors.

The other kind of daughter is a rebel. She's an under-achiever who self-sabotages. She may end up on welfare or addicted to drugs or alcohol. It's interesting, the two types look very different on the outside, but their internal landscape is similar. The self-saboteur also thinks she's not good enough, but has given up on disproving it.

What determines which way a daughter goes?

I was really interested in this question, especially since my sister and I fit this pattern— where I'm the "Mary Marvel." It's not entirely clear, but it seems that in the case of the over-achiever, she had someone in her life—maybe a grandmother—who gave her unconditional love.

What typically happens to these daughters in their own romantic relationships?

These daughters learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about "what I can do for you and what you can do for me." They may be overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are entirely dependent on them. A healthy relationship, meanwhile, is based on the back and forth of interdependency.

How can an adult daughter "recover" from narcissistic mothering?

In the book I outline a 5-step program. The first part is accepting that you had a mother that didn't love you. This is very hard for some women to acknowledge, especially because daughters in these families were not taught to deal with their feelings.

Then the daughter must separate psychologically from her mother. Part of that is tapping into who she is and figuring out who she wants to be. It's also important to end the legacy, to prevent the next generation from suffering in the same way.

How can these women avoid becoming just like their mothers, then?

It's really about internal changes, and changing how they interact with other people.

You can learn how to be empathetic with your children. That doesn't mean loving "my kid the ballerina" or "my kid the soccer player," but really tuning into who your children are as people. And it's not about praising them just to praise them. That leads children to feel entitled, which is a narcissistic trait.

If these women treat their mothers differently, will the mothers react differently?

If a daughter starts setting boundaries in the beginning of this process, the mother's bad behavior may in fact escalate. That's why I often recommend a temporary separation.

The mothers may not change. I wouldn't want to give daughters hope that they will. But once a daughter understands her mother's narcissism, her own anger and resentment will fade. She can approach her mother in a loving way, and not as a victim.

It's really about accepting your mother's limitations. One of the women on my online forum described her old mentality toward her mother as something like this, "It's like my mom is colorblind, and I keep asking her to appreciate a rainbow."

I feel like screaming "are you people deaf, blind and that dumb"?

2009-02-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

Man...been away for a while! A lot has been going on and yes it has been a stressful time for me. It all began sometime ago with a small sibling fuss with my sister. Unfortunately it has snowballed into a major "non-speaking", avoiding the holidays, upsetting the entire family ordeal. Funny how the two side of the same story can be so different. So different in fact that one side can totally turn family members against the other without first hearing the second side. I have seen first hand just how manipulation works so well in the favor of the manipulator. Makes me stop and wonder how the ones being manipulated can be so naive. I feel like screaming "are you people deaf, blind and that dumb"? Even though I am on the "hated" side of this whole mess. I can't help but think how sad a person's life must be in order for them to have to "fool" people into their lives. Not to mention, how do they sleep at night? Knowing that they are being completely fake and lying to the ones they most likely love the most! What a stressful life trying to remember all of it so they can keep up the facade. Jealousy is a horrible thing. That makes people do amazingly awful things to others. How do you convince the people in your life that the manipulator is the "real" problem? I have been scratching my head for months! The worst thing is that when things seem to begin to get back to normal, she stirs up something else to tear it all back down again.... oh look at the time!...gotta run...will post more later..... have a great day!

Awwww the weekend!

2009-01-12T14:43:00.000-08:00

As a single mom I have a lot of stress. I constantly feel as though I have just been shot out of a cannon. Rush, rush, rush, trying to get everything done and there simply isn't enough time in the day. So, I get up the next day, light the fuse and go again...still feeling as though I am forgetting something. I know I must come across as a complete ding bat to co-workers and others I meet throughout my day. My mind stays full of a ton of information at all times I can't keep it all straight. My short term memory is null and void most times. I use my weekends to try to rejuvenate. That time is so precious to me. lol I love locking the door and curling up on the couch to get lost in a great movie! Just let it all go, even if for a few hours. Of course I just had that weekend. It is now only Monday and I am already ready for that weekend again. lol Can't wait!

Secret Shame - Stress

2008-12-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

Secret Shame

Do you fear what others think of you? How shame can hurt your health.

Shame weighs on anyone who feels the burning gaze of onlookers (be it real or imagined). Worse yet, the pain can take a lasting toll on your health. Mounting evidence demonstrates that this kind of mental stress can physically exacerbate cardiac problems and depress the immune system, suggesting that we should monitor our personal insecurities as we would salt intake and cigarette smoking. For the sake of your heart and body, treat your self-image gently.

Stress—of all types—has been linked to depression, cardiovascular disease, and the rapid progression of illness. Sheldon Cohen at Carnegie Mellon, who has been studying the association, explains that the damage comes from two directions. People under stress often develop bad habits, like sleeping less, skipping the gym, eating junk food, smoking more, and drinking more. Second, the body reacts to mental stress.

Just as in movies, where men suffer heart attacks when they work too hard, catch the wife in bed with another man, or yell at unruly children, fear and anger have long been known to simulate fight-or-flight responses, in which heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones such as cortisol increase. In particular, too much cortisol can shut down or alter other body systems. For instance, high levels of cortisol are known to suppress the immune system. Cohen has found that cortisol increases can even influence the replication of the HIV virus.

But while the crestfallen stress of poor self-image may not seem comparable to the fiery feelings of anger and fear, this kind of sheepish worry can lead to physical damage as well. Not everyone agonizes about body image, excess fat, or a lowly position at work. But people who were more attuned to social cues in general showed more physical signs of stress. In one study, subjects gave a speech or solved math problems while so-called evaluators shot them discouraging glares. The shameful became more stressed out more easily.

Shame may be one of the more potent emotions, says Margaret Kemeny, a psychologist at University of California at San Francisco. "People think that all stresses have the same effect on the body, but stress caused by how others view you is extremely powerful, as much or more so than those caused from losing a job or working too hard."

Conquer Your Shame

Banish the hang-ups and move on.

Walk it off: Only extended periods of humiliation, subordination, or shame cause harm, so Kemeny advises letting the embarrassment fade. "Try to feel the feeling at the moment without suppressing it, then let it go."
Seek help: For problems that last, stress management, relaxation training, and group therapy prove effective. Women with breast cancer who participated in support groups were found to live longer than those who did not participate. Cognitive behavioral therapy has improved body dissatisfaction in persons with eating disorders and obesity.
Cheer up: Happiness can speed recovery from stress and decrease damaging levels of cortisol. So relax, breathe easy, leave the mirror at home, take a personal day, and as Walt Whitman waxed poetic: celebrate yourself.

Grandparents: Important Tips to Avoid Favoritism

2008-11-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

Becoming a grandparent is an exciting time in your life. Depending on your family and its size, grand parenting is an experience that you are likely to enjoy more than once. Although each grandchild of yours will be loved, it is easy to unintentionally show favoritism, especially when multiple grandchildren are involved.

Although unintentionally showing favoritism may do no harm, it is important that you proceed with caution. If you are not careful, your grandchild or your own child can suffer the consequences, which may include feeling left out or they may feel a lack of importance. With that in mind, there are a number of steps that you can take to prevent favoritism from becoming a problem.

One of the first steps that you will want to take, to avoid favoritism with grandchildren, involves equal time. As a grandparent, it is important that you spend equal time with your grandchildren. Although this may be difficult with busy schedules and possibly even distance, it is important that you take steps to give each grandchild the same or similar amounts of time. Even if it is something as simple as stopping by for a half an hour visit, your time is of great importance to your grandchildren.

Another common mistake that grandparents make involves purchasing gifts for one grandchild and not the other. You are advised to proceed with caution in terms of gifts. This is particularly important with grandchildren who live in the same home. Although birthdays are exceptions to this important rule, you will want to use your best judgment. For instance, if your see an outfit that your granddaughter would love, be sure to pick up another gift, even just a small one, for your grandson. This is the best way to go about avoiding favoritism.

Although newborns and infants may be unable to detect a small amount of favoritism, toddlers and their parents have keen eyes. Unfortunately, most grandparents do not even realize that they are exuding even a small amount of favoritism. That is why you are urged to step back and take a close look at each situation that involves multiple grandchildren. Using your best judgment is one of the best ways to avoid favoritism.

The above mentioned tips are tips that grandparents should always take into consideration. As a reminder, it is important to remember that you do not have to shower your grandchildren with gifts to show your affection. Often times, your love and support will be enough. However, when gifts are involved, it is important that you use your best judgment.

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How Favoritism Harms Children

2008-11-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

Favoritism can lead children into sin. James 2:9 is clear: "If you show favoritism, you sin." As your children observe your behavior, however, it is more likely that they will copy you rather than obey the scriptural exhortation. Like Esau, children who do not receive the favored treatment may develop an apathetic attitude and seek to find pleasure in sinful activities in an attempt to escape the hurt of a parent whose love was not impartial.

Favoritism crushes the self-esteem of the less-favored child. Perhaps one of the greatest mistakes a parent can make is to harm the precious children God has entrusted to her care. Acts of favoritism crush the spirit of children, leaving scars that can take a lifetime to heal.

Favoritism can destroy family unity. As we have seen, Jacob and Esau experienced a bitter separation that lasted many years. Thankfully, they eventually forgave each other and reunited. But not every family is that fortunate. Favoring one child above the rest can permanently separate families as bitterness and envy destroy relationships.

Favoritism can be repeated in future generations. Jacob married and had 12 children. He also had a favorite child, and thus continued the damaging cycle in his family. Just as the sins of alcoholism and abuse tend to repeat themselves throughout generations, the sin of favoritism may continue to live on as well.

Psalm 127:3 says, "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him." Always keep in mind that each of your children is a gift from God; each is truly special in his or her own way; and each is a precious reward to enjoy. Do not be poor stewards of the wonderful blessings that God has given you, but rather love with an impartial heart and reap the benefits of raising your children in a manner that pleases God.

Avoid Child Favoritism

Parenthood is one of the most blissful stages of life! It is also very challenging and should be properly handled. For children, the best gift from their parents is the sense of belonging with a lot of love.

Unfortunately, sometimes a few actions of parents lead to some unexpected consequences. Usually, parents do not agree and admit existence of favoritism in their family. Favoritism in family can have devastating psychological affect on the neglected children as well as the favorite one.

According to experts, children of same family grow and develop distinctly. Thus, it becomes obvious that the parents may approve some acts or disapprove others. It is the self-esteem of the child or the victim of favoritism that is at risk. If you don't treat a wound then it can develop a fatal infection and can have far reaching consequences.

Signs of Favoritism

When you reward the favored child and hardly appreciate the other one for same kind of achievement then it is favoritism. The child or victim will feel left out and alone Similarly, if you punish the neglected child more compared to the favored one for the same misbehavior then it is favoritism.

Other significant signs of favoritism are encouraging one child than other, buying gifts for the favored child or celebrations for the favored one, etc. All these acts will make the victim feel lonelier and disheartened.

Favoritism could be harmful for the favored child in the long run, as he/she would not be able to cope rejection. So, parents should take utmost care while dealing with their children. Their treatment for all their children should be balanced and neutral, as this would lead to a happy family.

For children, the best gift from their parents is the sense of belonging with a lot of love.

Advice regarding women and abusers...

2008-10-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

I came across this wonderful site on blogger. The advice she offers is outstanding! You can check it out @

http://www.blogger.com/profile/10793044176961385860

Thank you Barb for sharing your expertise with us!

Charmer/ Abusers and their 'Prey'

"Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as Charmer/Abuser.

You need to view a charmer/abuser

as someone who probably does not have the same values as you at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever "you are" and "need" in order to use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that "does not" repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.

A charmer/abuser looks for victims with the following characteristics (just one will do):

low self-esteem,
a past with a lot of trauma,
neediness,
abusive parent(s),
fairy tale type thinking (i.e. - everyone has "some good" in them),
maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree...),
or a history of relationships with men that were abusive

They listen intently to you, as you, voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams. They quickly assimilate from this what kind of camouflage to weave "for you". You basically tell them what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you... while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of "protector" and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning...

They look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all "too quickly" become super-man, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.

They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. Charmer/abuser's know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. Charmer/abuser's know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug for you. It's almost like heroin for some women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant "microwave push-button" sort of way that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And Charmer/abuser

's know that whatever radar you did have going on will now be majorly disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

He listens to what you tell him about how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don't recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints constantly, but in such a way that you can't really call him on. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life.

He's always calling you when you're supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of are you really alone? But, it's just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn't really blatant about it in your book. This is "blatant", but "you don't recognize it as that". This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your "cloudiness" here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it for what it is.

Charmer/Abuser

's will capitalize on your need to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be "needed" by them. And... they do need you, for something (sex, money, fun, a place to live...). So, consequently, in their mind it's a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you.

Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it's like any other sales contract. If you don't read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it's "buyer beware" and tough luck. A deal's a deal.

You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But... your projection, regardless of how much you believe it... doesn't ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale!

Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically using a child's mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way.

A grown-up version of this will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.

You will not always do this if you will allow yourself to learn why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.

Charmer/Abuser

's need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soul-mate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you "really live" kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial!

Think about this one very hard. It is one of the worst "snags" that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And "poof" you're sucked in hook, line and sinker.

Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you the best. And why wouldn't they? A predator knows his victims very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That's why I write things like this. We need to "study them" as well. It's called - playing "offense" instead of "defense". Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do "their homework" regarding "you". Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.

Charmer/Abuser's do NOT respect you as as a person at all... BUT... they will go to great lengths to convince you that they do.

They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word "quickly" a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you're wonderful and all that isn't necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck.

Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run take time and THEY don't have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and "get charmed", so this ball game can get underway! That's the way they want it!

They are counting on your need to get instantly stroked all the way around as their "in". This is your blind side and they go right for it. "Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand." They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It's called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to how much she is needed by a man.

They are basically saying to you "here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I'm waiting..." And that's just what an abuse victim loves to hear... and Charmer/Abusers know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.

Charmer/Abusers hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of "what you need them to be". It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.

Like any teacher in any classroom they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn. So, they don't want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else's read on them. Someone who isn't blind to them will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that "cloudy zone" as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued.

They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you've got going on here. They count on you to do just that. They load the gun for you and "you" pick it up and use it. That way their hands are clean. You did their dirty work for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most said all that to say this...

Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this often and "think" about what is going on - while it is going on.

If you see at anytime this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. Charmer/Abuser

s are absolutely great at convincing you that you owe them "a good reason. And they choose if the 'reason' is good enough. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title as you are leaving the relationship.

I don't know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I've seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubber band is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean we want to be talked back into it.

Why? Because we still talk to them. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all.

A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then that's it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it.

By your continuing need to engage with them tells them you don't mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that's about it. You're back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place.

So, you are putty in their hands simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely "prey" to them now. And they toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you.

They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that you do not trust your own judgement. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever they instantly know that you don't trust yourself. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. Some discussion would be allowed, but she would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

That you would want validation from the very person that hurt you, that affirms you made a sound judgement? Hmmm... so, are we going to get that validation from this person? I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you.

But, this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. So, if he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on - you are going to treat him like a father would be treated.

You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you - because that is what your little girl that you used to be would do regarding the man in her life back then. And since you put this man in that super powerful position the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made is you, the victim. After all, they have "first chair" with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow.

What I want to know is how can someone who has known you for such a short time have enough clout and importance in your life to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? And that person is you!

Charmer/Abusers will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, comradery, and what looks like empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. Because actually you don't. You only knew the facade, the lure.

They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works - when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn't work then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it

However, if they are not getting what they want they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say - consistently and absolutely and you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why Charmer/Abusers are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one.

They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until....."they don't need you".... anymore.

It's high time you learn how to live offensively and be in control of your own life. It's called Learning to live Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of just hold them at arm's length for awhile. Make them wait for everything.

The person who is genuinely interested in you won't push. And they won't try and dazzle you in any way. They will... wait. If they don't do this and you jump... you are in for a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.

Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life... they are not this godlike image of what your father or ex was or should have been. They are what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it what it is. A lie.

Please give yourself permission to see it just like it is with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes are fairy tales. Real villians can do much damage while wearing superman's cape. In fact they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back.

What is real and true and good for you will come by way of... you believing you have the right to choose and not be chosen."

Please visit - http://www.blogger.com/profile/10793044176961385860 - to read more advice and experiences from this awesome real life counselor. You can find advice / help on almost any relationship / crisis / personality etc. on her site.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival

2008-10-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

The way things have always been in my family has dumbfounded me for years! The information below has opened my eyes to, not only my mother but my ex as well. And they say, I'm the one with the problem? Of course even if they did read this...it would not click with them...they are both narcissistic! ;0) This is wonderful information!

Introduction

"If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."

What is "voice"? It is the sense of agency that makes a child confident that he or she will be heard, and that he or she will positively impact his or her environment. With this sense of agency comes the implicit belief that one's core has value. Exceptional parents grant a child a voice equal to theirs the day that child is born. And they respect that voice as much as they respect their own. How does a parent provide this gift? By following three "rules:"

Assume that what your child has to say about the world is just as important as what you have to say.

Assume that you can learn as much from them as they can from you.

Enter their world through play, activities, discussions: don't require them to enter yours in order to make contact." (From Giving Your Child Voice)

Did you receive "voice" as a child? Were the important people around you, your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend, children, parents given this gift? If not, you or those closest to you may be locked in a battle for emotional survival without knowing it. Voicelessness takes many forms: relationship problems, depression, anxiety, over and under-achieving, narcissism, addictions, etc. All represent self-defeating or failed attempts to solve an unsolvable problem: needing one's very essence to be seen, heard, and appreciated by people incapable of doing this.

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents: Is Love Enough?

When lay people and professionals alike talk about dysfunctional families, often the question arises: Did the mother love the children? Or, did the father love the children?

Parental love is a very complicated emotion. If a parent compulsively looks after their children's health, insisting they eat only organic food, and natural vitamins, is this a form of love? How about if a parent makes a child come home after school and forbids any socializing until the studies are completed to her satisfaction--because this way the child will get into Harvard. Is this love? If the parent is looking after the child's best interests, then arguably their actions reflect love. But where is the line drawn? Some parents say to their children: "Everything I did, I did for you--fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your head--all of it for you." While probably an exaggeration, there is still a bit of truth here. Was there love? Probably. One can usually find a kernel of love towards their children in even the most narcissistic of parents. "I love you because you reflect well on me" is still love, however sullied. (One might argue that love in the service of selfish needs is not really love--but the line between selfish and unselfish love is a fuzzy one indeed.) Furthermore, the tears a narcissistic parent sheds when their child dies are absolutely real.

Simply put, love is too complicated an emotion to be of much use in distinguishing narcissistic and healthy parents. In my experience, if you ask adult children of narcissistic parents whether they were loved, many if not most will say "yes, in a controlling, self-centered way" even after they've completed therapy. Another variable, however, is far more telling. The critical questions are: "Did my parent respect and value what I said, see myself as independent from them in a positive way, and feel that my thoughts and feelings were as important as theirs." In other words, did my parent allow me "voice?" No adult child of a narcissistic parent can answer these questions in the affirmative.

These questions define the critical injury to adult children with narcissistic parents. Interestingly, many such people have no problem finding "love." But deep affection does not satisfy them unless accompanied by the granting of "voice" by a powerful person. As a result, adult children of narcissistic parents often go from bad relationship to bad relationship in search of "voice."

For parents, the implications are clear. Love is not enough. Client after client has taught me this unequivocal lesson:

If you want to raise emotionally healthy children, you must give them the gift of "voice."

Author: Richard A. Grossman, Ph.D.

You think you know someone?!?

2008-10-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

One of the most horrible feelings in the world is finding out that the person you care about is not who you thought they were. I tried every mind game possible with myself to keep from seeing the truth. I didn't want to see it. I wanted him to be just exactly what/who he pretended to be. I allowed myself to be lied to over and over again and even let him get in my head to make me start to believe that I could be seeing and hearing things that were not really there or happening. Some people are truly amazing when it comes to lying and living a completely false life. Almost as if they have a split personality, and here I thought that sort of thing only happened in the movies. Well, I can fool myself no longer. Nor can I make excuses for him anymore. The events of this past weekend made it impossible for me to continue to do so. So bazaar that no amount of denial would work. I wish I would have not been blinded by my feelings for him and would have heeded the warning signs in the very beginning. But we as women make that mistake all of the time. The big mistake of thinking, "Oh, it's nothing", " Oh, it's just a one time thing", "he didn't really mean it", "maybe it wasn't really him", "he won't do that again" and the biggest mistake of all is believing that a man who has lied to us will not lie again! I have finally seen the light, so to speak. The silver lining in all of it is, it means I can finally get on with my life. Leave him where he deserves to be, in the past behind me.

Is it Friday yet??

2008-10-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

This has been a week from hell! Today it just got worse! Got a virus on my computer! Fighting with the ex... one son suspended from school the other one sick no help from the ex or family way too much on my plate and messing up at work! AAAAHHHHH Is it Friday yet? Can't wait for the weekend! I have got to relax, get some rest and revive. Some times you have to just let everything go to keep your sanity so you can face the world again. It is the time for just that! Everyone have a good weekend... see you next week!

~Zos♥

Another day in my crazy life...

2008-10-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

I got a call today, my son (age 13) has been suspended from school for three days for fighting! It was nothing to major, no bleeding (thank God). This is the story I have gotten so far. It all got started when my son was complaining about his wrist hurting after the mornings football practice. The other boy started teasing him this morning and continued throughout the day(silly kid stuff...I know). Well in an afternoon class he (my son) had, had enough of his teasing. So, he yells at him to shut up and the teacher hears this. Calls him out into the hall. Now, on his way to the door the other kid is still mouthing off with the teasing, so as he goes out the door my son shoves him into the wall. The kid follows him into the hall and hits him in the back of the head and then in the side of the head with two (female) teachers watching. Then a male teacher comes in and steps between them, takes them to the office, makes the calls to the parents and deals out the punishment to both boys. So this evening we will talk and hopefully help him deal with the teasing thing a little better and try to figure out what we can do about controlling his temper. This boy is one of his friends, most of the time, I guess it just happens. Sometimes kids are better friends after a fight than before. I hope that will be the case here. Either way they both have the next three days to think about it. Plus, neither get to play football for two weeks. That in itself should make them think twice the next time.

Under the weather...

2008-10-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

Moms (married or single) are never allowed to be sick, they must take care of everyone else and have no time to take care of themselves. When a married mom happens to get sick and gets to the point where she must lay down for a moment or two at least hubby can help pick up the slack . When a single mom gets sick and simply can go no more who will help? The lucky one's have family members like Grandma or Auntie, etc. I do not even have that luxury. Yes really....My family members are and always have been the utmost worst. It's dog eat dog and everyone for themselves. So much so, you take your children with you no matter where you have to go, the OBGYN, a funeral, visit a friend in the hospital, etc. Or, you can opt to stay home. I know, I know... not normal! But that is the way it is. Like the energizer bunny, I must keep going, keep going, keep going. So, I'm not real excited right now about the fact that I'm starting to feel a little bit under the weather (along with my youngest son, age 6). I dread having to keep the same pace up the next couple of weeks. When you get home from work at 6:00pm and bed time is at the latest 9:00 to 10:00pm there is only so much you can fit into that 3 to 4 hour time span, dinner, homework, getting to whatever sport the kids are playing, house work, errands, etc. Time for being sick? Out of the question! ;0) So, I will get some extra vitamin C in the hopes of keeping it at bay and if not I'll see how long my batteries will last this time. LOL

~Zos♥

No man needed! (this time anyway...lol)

2008-10-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest problems I find in being a single mom has really nothing to do with children at all. But time and strength. LOL There is never enough time in the day to get things done nor do I have that handy help I need when it comes time to move something heavy. I end up having to schedule time with a friend. For example, I got new bedroom furniture this week. Thankfully it was given to me by an ex-cousin (I guess that's how to put it). Anyway, when it came time to move everything around to get it in the house. I had no help. Three different times a friend was going to help but ended up unable to. So... I, "Wonder Mom", moved it all by myself! No man needed! What a great feeling that was! On the inside anyway...LOL. I started at 8:00am and stopped at 9:30pm. Hence, the soreness I felt the next morning. But I did it. Just one of those things I find myself tackling that I never thought I could.

Until next time, ;0)

~Zos♥

"Black Sheep" ??

2008-10-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like the "black sheep" of the family? I swear that is my title. We all have our roles, so to speak. My Dad is "The Boss", my mother is "The Judge and Jury", my sister is of course "The Saint", which leaves me to be "The Black Sheep". The "different" one who they simply cannot understand. Amazing...because I do not understand them either. LOL I love my family very much but it seems they have their heads stuck in the sand...all in the same hole... LOL at the same time doing the same things. It's like a cult! LOL I however, didn't join their cult. I did not clone myself after my mother or my sister or even my dad, (although dad is my favorite ;0). I figured I would be better off to just be myself and be happy being myself. Make my own choices, my own mistakes, learn from different experiences in my life. The thought of living in the parents front yard all my life having to ask permission to plant a flower or have a dog or even who could come to my house simply didn't appeal to me. As an adult I think I should be able to live my own life, not be a long extension of theirs. So, you see...that is why we all fight like cats and dogs. They think they know better than I do what is "best for me". How to "help" me. Needless to say, when I stand up for myself they are like a pack of wolves sticking together all against me. Trying to convince me to apologize to them and make it right. Well that is not going to happen anymore. Most of my life I tried so very hard to "keep the peace". Truly cared about having a relationship with my sister and mother to the point that I would just take whatever from them. But I discovered that was only leading me down a very unhealthy life path so I changed paths and without their permission! Oh no! The shame! What have I done? LOL Well, to my family, I have done what was best for me instead of what was best for you ... I'm very sorry that it has put you all into shock...But I am not crazy or lost my marbles. I have simply grown up and I'm living my life the way that is best for me and my children. To all who may be reading this....whewwww... I hope you never have to deal with the heart and soul damaging words and treatment of anyone trying to keep you the way "they want you". I do hope you are supported in your life and are free to make your own mistakes and your own way plus be able to be happy about it instead of having the people who "love you" put you down.
Until next time.... Have a wonderful day and keep smiling! ;0)

~Zos♥

A sad choice.....

2008-09-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

This post is not so much stress as it is sad. The sadness you feel when you realize the end of something special in your life is inevitable. Hopelessly out of your control after you have done everything in your power to save it. In a relationship it truly does take two. One cannot do it alone. When only one is making an effort all their good intentions and works just bounce off the wall of the one unwilling or unable to do their part and end up lifeless on the ground. What is it that will not allow some people to show emotion and caring? Do they not understand that everyone wants the same things they do? To be loved. True, faithful, respectful love from another human being they care about. Happiness...a true feeling of happiness in the relationship and in the family even through the bad times. To be appreciated...not taken for granted. Is that really to much to ask of some people? I have found the answer to that question to be"yes". So I have been left to decide to go back to the life of being treated like an insignificant other while continuing to "give him a reason to be nice to me", or end it for good. These are extremely horrific options...but they are all I'm left with. I know which I must choose. I would rather be hurt and unhappy alone than be hurt and unhappy with someone.

~Zos♥

Stress of the EX....

2008-09-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

Nothing stresses me out more than having to deal with the ex-husband! He can be such an a#@. He is a complete narcissist(def=inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.) who has no conscience (def=the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action). It does not matter what he does or what he says...He feels nothing! He can't show love in any way other than existing. If he is in the room, you should know how he feels. The fact that he walks past you as if you are not there should mean nothing to you. The fact that he puts the feelings of co-workers ahead of family should be ok too and if he wants to go out of town and have dinner with a woman he's just met, his wife shouldn't care at all, and I quote, "what is there for you to feel about it"? Now that we are divorced he still tries to play the "victim" of our marriage! He has nothing to be sorry about and has done nothing wrong! I hurt him by leaving him! Give me a break! I guess the women are not as much fun now that it doesn't involve lying and cheating! Well, he will have to find someone else to lie to. I am moving on! He is such a child....having fits trying to get his way...trying to make me feel guilty. Not working! SO LONG>>> Have a nice life full of lies and BS!

Behind the back co-worker!

2008-09-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I knew something would happen and it did. I simply hate it when someone complains about something I've done or not done (or so they think) behind my back. They should talk to me about it and not five other people first. Not to mention the boss, and they always start with " I don't want to get anyone in trouble". Yes they do, or they would talk to the person it concerns before they go to anyone else. What BS! That is the way sh!# gets started all of the time. Makes me want to scream and gosh...it's only 2:00 pm!

Until the next stress...relax ;0)
~Zos♥

Single Mom

2008-09-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

Just today I decided to make this blog about my life as a single mother in a small town. There are joys of it as well as tears. More stress than anything else. I try to handle it as best I can. There are a few days here and there when I feel like I simply can't do it anymore and have what I call a mini break down. Which is better than the major breakdowns I use to have when we first split up. The kids concern me most of all. How to give them a "normal" up bringing in such an ugly separated family. It is like riding a roller coaster. Every second is different and you never know what's coming up next. So there will be times I'm sure this will sound totally insane. The best way I can think of to help myself heal is to let it all out. Time for a break....

~Zos♥